Juliana Spahr, “The Transformation”

            The book does what the title says, it transforms the reader, or at least it transformed me and that of my writing, also it transforms the text. This text, while reading it and discussing it in class has shows a new form and inspired a new style of writing for myself, which I used in some of my pieces. I love the way this text mixes idea, which reflect/mirror each other, it use of repetition/retelling, and last the thoughts of identity. The work of Spahr also explore awkward connections and pre written rule/norms, maybe even a connection to the text or of the written history or how people write or how ‘they’ specifically write, maybe even the ways or kind of writing that is used in this book. Also when reading this text it almost seems aware that it’s a book to some level.

            Thought out the book there is repetition of words, sentences, and stories. Words that are repeated makes the words feel less important, like it was used and then reused, until there is a different meaning or no meaning behind that word. For example, the word “Occupation”,  found on p.31, this word is supposed to be a serious word, maybe even something that happens once over a period of time. Repeating this word, give the idea that it happens more than once, which is true, occupation happened and will happens all the time, the word is not new, it’s not a new idea, it has been around a while. When reading, I realized that stories/idea was always repeating talking about history, education, their relationship and how that relationship relates to other ideas in the text, like the island, the ‘native’ people, and how their relationship does not fit into a dual community or average way of thinking. This text is very cycling, it keeps circling around various ideas but as it moves forward it transform, it changes. Great example which show this, “for some reason they could not understand, writing that used fragmentation, quotation, disruption, disjunction, agrammatical syntax, and so on.” What come after is either nothing or something different, for example, “entered into their body and changed it.”, “with a somewhat pious and note very well thought out sense of class politics.”, and “in an anthology”. This make me think that these are important, highlighted by the repeated nonsense that is use over and over, maybe like juxtaposition.

            The last thing I want to point at in this text is identity, it is so ambiguous just as the island is never name, neither are the characters. There are three people which I believe are two male and one female because of this, the text give a clue talking about the sparrow or the documentary of a group that live in the Amazon, plus they watch on the music channel’s soap opera, all pointing to the idea that they are two male and one female. Still we never know who is talking, because they always use ‘they’. It so interesting, by using they, they erase the preset judgments and gender rule and role that people have.

            To end this, here is the perfect passage to summarize, found on p.64, “like their brain’s interest in something as mundane as a kaleidoscope’s colorful, hanging patterns or the image of a drop of water falling and when the water below splashing up a little after the drop of water falls into the stillness of the standing water or the shifting patterns of traffics on a busy highway that are just similar enough to put them into a trance yet changing enough for them to remain alert, interested.” This is the text, the story; this is what Sparh is doing.

old stuff maybe becoming new

So reading Spahr, Transformation, again, it brought back my final project for my Trangenre class last semester. I was inspire by this book and we only read a small section and one of my fellow class mated did a book review on it. I wanted to dive into it again and see what happens. I think I left it alone for long enough. I’m not sure if I will turn this in as part of my final portfolio or just for my own pleasure but here it is untouched and hopefully I can add some or make it different or something…

Jamie is 24. Jamie was it. And maybe still is. Jamie moved out from the providers’ space and into to Jamie’s space. Providers were “its” too at one point or maybe not. That was before the ‘A’ went missing. Well it didn’t run away but maybe it did. Was it terrified to become an US? Well, all Jamie knew is that it disappeared or was hacked off and was now dead. Sometimes Jamie felt dead.

Jamie wished, Jamie was born when the providers were made. There was just something missing in Jamie’s 24 years of existing, not only the ‘A’ but something more. Finding the ‘A’ would maybe release Jamie of the expectations of Jamie providers and that of the WE Entity. There was something before the ‘A’, something about the death of it. Jamie didn’t learn it in school. When Jamie would ask the providers, Jamie’s providers would not reply. The providers would give no clue of before the ‘A’s disappearance or of Jamie. Jamie was unknown to Jamie. Jamie didn’t even have the questions to find out what Jamie was. Jamie was just here. Jamie was existing. Jamie was a part of the WE Entity of US. But Jamie felt a part. Jamie felt alienated.

Jamie would solve this and maybe find the ‘A’ or at least, find out what happen to this cold case. Forgotten, even before Jamie was born? Jamie would figure it out and find itself.

Jamie was Jamie, only Jamie, Jamie was unknown to Jamie. As the ‘A’ was unknown to the WE Entity. Jamie must find the ‘A’.

When Jamie was younger and was an “it”, Jamie remembered stories the providers would tell about the ‘A’ and of life before it but as Jamie got older the stories were not told anymore. When Jamie would ask about the stories the providers would reply that the stories were made up, a fairytale told only to “its.”

Jamie became curious about the ‘A’. And when all Jamie’s question turned up empty, Jamie searched high and low. Jamie had to find some way out of Jamie’s nightmare of US. Jamie didn’t want to be an US. Jamie wanted to be something else, anything else.

Jamie found it hidden away, a document with blacked out letters. This was is what Jamie needed. No authorship was listed. Unknown. Jamie suspected the author was one of Jamie’s providers, since he found it at Jamie’s providers’ residence. It was hard to read, but Jamie saw what was missing and had always been missing.

                Jamie discretely asked all around, to see if anyone else knew. Jamie wanted to spread the word. But Jamie had to be careful because Jamie knew the WE Entity is everywhere, watching, waiting for Jamie to make a mistake

US is watching Jamie. Jamie feels as if the US is following Jamie. Jamie is an endangered species but no one cares. It’s either the ‘US’ or the ‘A’, not both, can’t be both. Not anymore. It used to be. But what’s the use, it can’t anymore. It is dangerous.

*****

 The collective WE Entity can’t continue to allow Jamie to exist. Jamie is the problem. Jamie is trying to find the ‘A’. Jamie cannot find it. Jamie must be eliminated. Cease to be. Maybe the providers did not fully commit to US? The providers must be questioned and evaluated. The problem must be the providers. Why would Jamie know about the ‘A’, it was long before Jamie’s time? Whatever the case, Jamie must be taken care of, so not to affect the US, the WE Entity. US will do it. If we must, we must. We serve the people. We are US, we are the WE Entity. Jamie is not a part of it now, not anymore.

*****

Jamie awoke feeling terrible, Jamie’s body felt heavy, heavier than an elephant on steroids; maybe it was because Jamie was lying down. Maybe it was the gravity pushing down on Jamie’s body.  It was hard. But not the bed. Jamie didn’t remember. Jamie’s head was hurting, more like pounding. Felt like US whacked Jamie with a sledgehammer right into the back of the skull. The floor was cold. Maybe it was Jamie.

He moves his hand to his head, it didn’t move. He looked down and his hand was still resting there, not moving. He fights the gravity, which, he had no Idea, was so powerful. And get up. Suddenly, feeling so much better, maybe even lighter.

I.                     I know now. I am known. I am a boy, I am 24. I am not “it” anymore. I am maybe Jamie, last name McGraw, but I am I, defiantly I. I know of the ‘A’, the mystery of the ‘A’. Everything is clear now. I feel wonderful. Almost, non-existent. I have found all the answers to any question I have ever thought of. I have seen my parents as they are now and how they were when they were individual I and identity and id. My head no longer hurt, my body is so light, floating.             

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                The Individual Lost Along the Way

It’s different to have an “it” now. We guess, easier. We are excited, but not that excited as we would have been to have an “it” before the event. But the event has happened and we all must exist. We are the WE Entity and the “it” will be a part of the Entity as well. We will become and are the US.

It is so weird now to have an “it”. No one ask US questions. No, what is it? No, blue and pink. No, getting the ultrasound and discovering the sex of the “it”. “It” is an “it”. It will not matter because “it” will eventually be an US. “It” will think and be like US. “It” is both or neither, not one or the other.

Easier to have an “it”, in the aftermath of the event. US wears similar colors and clothes. Gender does not exist, until, maybe, only in the year of marriage; one will know what it is. But not before that. It doesn’t matter what color we paint the room in. It will not be feminine or masculine; these words do not exist anymore. We shouldn’t even be thinking of them. Or else.

Naming, what naming? It’s not hard anymore. It is not a tired all-consuming process to find the perfect name, not now. We don’t care if the name is widely used, we don’t care of the gender behind the name. Or the meaning of the name. The naming, if used at all, is given right when the “it” is born. The choices are slim pickings, so the decision is quick. Most of US, the WE Entity, do not give names anymore. And if the providers decide to use a name, there are only a few that exist. Names are Sam, Pat, Jamie, and Alex. These 4 names are the only ones in use today. US are only allowed one of “it”, so most would decide not to give their “it” a name and just call it, “it”. We decided to name “it”, old habits.  It was Jamie. Old habits die hard.

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(Forgotten and found document)

It happened after WE were married. The communist collective WE Entity invaded the USA. It was 2060 and our defenses were down and the debt was so high, some of the government officials and a couple of our presidents were put into, WE wouldn’t say slavery but it was close.

The invader’s country was big enough; they didn’t need to make it bigger, they didn’t need this country. They couldn’t even control the population. They would kill their “its”, and the providers were only allowed to have one “it” per residence, all that, to keep their population down. But that did not stop them. They wanted all. The WE Entity is powerful and needed more land to keep up with their growth.

They came fast and hard. One day WE were happy, WE had a home. but no longer. They did it, They took over, They invaded. In the USA now there is just an ‘US’. They are now US. Now is many. US are united, are a WE Entity. One body. One collective conscious and culture. The WE Entity is many. The individuals are lost in the river of US. The identity is gone, replaced by the WE Entity. The id is forever lost because now WE have the responsibility of the group or that of the superego. They are the usurper. But now, WE guess, WE are the usurper too. U go. You go. The you, the I is nothing, is gone, as are you.

At first there was hatred for US. The they or the WE Entity’s treatment of US was barbaric and many dead, about half of the populations. Just to make room. To clear some room, some space. The rest of the US was sent to concentration camps, with inhuman condition. Our names were taken away from US. Just as the I was taken away. And our souls might be next, if it wasn’t taken already. WE were stripped down. WE weren’t them, not yet. It was US or them. But at that time WE were nothing.

They felt no sympathy for the leftovers, it was trash after all. They were a WE Entity. They were they. WE were nothing but used space. With no use, that was because our beliefs were different. WE were different.

 They believe that it was theirs by right, which they owned US but they were wrong. Well WE think they were wrong. Don’t WE? Didn’t WE? WE don’t know. The lines are blurred now.

Then the concentration was no longer a prison of war space fillers. They told US WE were sick, so they had to put US into these camps, to contain the virus. The WE Entity was helping US. The invasion was for our benefit. It was repeated until it was true. WE were sick with what they called the id. The illness was a brain disease, that was contagious and WE all had it. WE couldn’t be released until cured or they believed WE would affect the population and they would have an epidemic on their hands. There was a vast amount of treatments. And WE needed these treatments because WE were sick. They would tell US that is why they came here, to help US because WE wouldn’t listen. So they took action, all for US.

However, there were different kinds of treatment, and when one could not be cured, they disappeared. Nobody asked questions, WE assumed that they were taken to another containment camp or a better treatment center, with more advanced technology. The worst cases used wicked extreme treatment. These methods varied from electric shock, water treatment, and bondage. We thought at first they were torture devices and maybe they were but they were torture for our future of the US, that of the WE Entity. They didn’t use torture, it was a treatment and WE were sick. WE needed it to survive. Most of the cures were just talking to the WE Entity. WE had to watch videos. WE had to write sentences. And they would tell US repeatedly, that WE were sick and WE were always US. WE are a collective WE Entity, with the same beliefs, views, ideas, voice, and history. Then WE were cured. WE are US and they are US, US are WE, WE are the WE Entity. Sick, no longer.

Then US merge with They and now US are US and the WE Entity. WE are ruled by the US. WE are ruled by the WE Entity. WE are many. Many serve the people. Many are whole. Many have forgotten, maybe even forgotten themselves. Many are missing. But WE are alive and we are cured of that, of the id. The superego of the WE Entity is the ruler, as our WE, as are one. Long live the WE Entity. WE serve the people.

WE had to write this to remember the event and maybe also to forget. By writing, WE would put it on paper and it would no longer be in our minds, and WE could live how they wanted US to live, I mean WE, not they. WE are one, WE are many. WE put US in danger by doing this. But those of US that were alive for the event would know. WE do not talk about it, WE can’t talk about it. WE can’t write it. Or else. This letter will be hidden and kept secret, although there are no secrets in the WE Entity. The WE Entity knows all. The code to read this is the event, there is something missing. Future “its” will not know this, and in time our secret will be safe and forgotten. And at least WE are still together.

Transformantion response

The SUN

As with anything

Too much is not good for oneself. The ancient Mayans were right, while they were also forgotten in time. “Always choose the middle way” and there is always a duality between forces. Life and death, destroyer or protector, the sun and the moon. 

The SUN is so enjoyable, relax and wait… in the rays that hold your spirit still and at the same time make life and sometime take it away. The SUN has always been thought of as a god or gods watching over the earth. Causing destruction such as drought or cancer. What does that of the moon do? This female mother to her counterpart, her opposite, the SUN . She has a pull on the waters, make waves as she crosses the night sky. No harm she makes, she is forgotten, just as the Maya (if that was true, if that had really happened. It did not of course. They are still here, still in Mesoamerica.)

Today we rarely look up and rely on the star to guide us to our destination or think the gods are watching from big balls of gas. One can lie down and look at the moon and the stars, waiting for a satellite or shooting star of UFO to pass by our vision. They can stay there till morning but one cannot layout on the beach for more than an hour without sun block or that of shade to protect themselves from the light from above, the giver of life, the thing that we encircle, and the thing we get our cycles from. That thing we shouldn’t look directly at or our eyes might be burnt inside our sockets and our bodies turned to stone. Or ruin our sight and the gel in our eyes begins to melt off like debris from a burning building, leaving floaters in its wake, but only see them on the out skirts.